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| PHOTO PROMPT -© Dawn Q. Landau |
They found her body in the creek. When the call came I knew
it was about her as Dad hemmed and hawed motioning to Mum to get me out of the
room.
Along the edge of the tracks, fringed by a canopy of green, she
had laid bare the tyranny of her life describing the horrors of the nights gone
by. Determined to escape she would follow the tracks to her real father's
town. She had trudged off with the faithful Colin trailing behind.
Dad put his sheriff's badge on but I stopped him.
I know why she ran away.
***
Written for Friday Fictioneers. Word Count : 100On time this week. Submitted on a Friday too. Though I am not sure about the quality of the post, which is why there are two entries this week. .The second one a little more upbeat (or so I hope). It will be nice to get a few more comments than the usual kind hearted folks who drop by here each week (and your comments are much appreciated - thank you)
Update: Have gone through a few edits since my first cut. One to imply that the narrator's father is the town's sheriff and the girl is intending to run away to her real father.
The other edit is to try and keep the change of tenses so that the switch from current to past and to current works better. All a part of the challenge of working within 100 words.
Such a lot of story in your 100 words.
ReplyDeleteThanks Liz, I am glad you liked it.
DeleteDear Subroto,
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused. The opening drew me in and you have some great descriptions but I was thrown off by her following the line to her real father and Dad's badge.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Ah the limitations of 100 words. I've tried to do an edit that makes it clearer. The narrator's father is the town's policeman/sheriff (put his badge on). It was implied that the girl was being abused and her real father lived elsewhere. I hope the tiny tweak works :-)
DeleteThanks for reading and commenting Ananya. I am glad you liked the story.
ReplyDeleteYour tiny tweak must have worked, I got it. Perhaps teh change of tenses is also a bit of an issue? Maybe it's just me. Alicia - Up from the Ashes Blog
ReplyDeleteThanks Alicia for the feedback, I've tried to resolve that too. Thanks for reading and commenting.
DeleteLike
ReplyDeleteThanks Dawn.
DeleteDear Subroto,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed both stories so much that I went to the library to use their computer to comment. (My home computer refuses to comment on Blogspot blogs.) Your were waxing prolific this week. Two stories? Cool.
Aloha,
Doug
Thanks Doug I am glad you liked them.
DeleteI got a little lost a couple times, but pieced it together. A sad story of an abusive step-dad. My wife had one of those growing up.
ReplyDeleteI think I got lost too but I am glad we both found our way :-)
Delete