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| PHOTO PROMPT © Jilly Funell |
I was at my usual spot at the wharf. The couple behind me
were conversing.
“Darling the thing about true happiness is that it does not
ask for much.”
“I just desire luxury goods.
It makes me happy.”
“Well people often confuse desire with happiness. It was true of my past life when I was more
intent in chasing the material aspects of things. The designer labels, the fast cars and
various items of luxury.”
“What exactly are you trying to say?”
“My credit card is over the limit. We can’t shop here anymore. Hey wait where are you going?”
***
Word Count : 100.
Original Version below:
“The thing about true happiness is that it does not ask for
much. Then there is desire, which doesn’t
work the same way, but people have often confused the two. It was true of my past life when I was more
intent in chasing the material aspects of things. The designer labels, the fast cars and
various items of luxury.”
“What exactly are you trying to say?”
“My credit card is over the limit. We can’t shop here anymore. Hey wait where are you going?”
***
Word Count : 100.
NOTE: Thanks to Penny's feedback I now have two versions.
We are hanging around the tower for this week's episode of the Friday Fictioneers.
NOTE: Thanks to Penny's feedback I now have two versions.
We are hanging around the tower for this week's episode of the Friday Fictioneers.
I am going for two submissions this week. The second one can be found here -> The Drop Off
To read other stories by the Fictioneers this week click here
I'd love read what you think about this post...
I'd love read what you think about this post...
Love it, an interesting way to try and explain their predicament!
ReplyDeleteThanks Iain, I am glad you liked it.
DeleteI liked the format. You're allowed to eavesdrop on other people's conversations. You're writer. Spies are allowed too, Everyone else is a busybody
ReplyDelete"Everyone else is a busybody"
DeleteNow that's a nice way to put it. I am glad you liked the format, though I've reworked it a bit.
Spot on, Neil!
DeleteIt's a great response to the prompt. I love the 'eavesdropping' format. However, I hope you don't mind me saying that I'm afraid I don't think it quite works. For me, it's the dialogue; it's too explanatory. If you could break up the second paragraph so both people are involved, and make it about feelings rather than abstract concepts you'd have a much stronger story (IMO).
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback Penny. That does make sense. I guess I was in a hurry to submit it instead of reworking it. I have made some changes and kept the original to show the difference.
DeleteI like your response to my concrit! Thank you for not being offended. Good work.
ReplyDeleteNot offended by the feedback at all. Thanks for helping me improve my submission Penny.
Deletea very pragmatic approach......
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting IB.
DeleteThanks for your comments Stuart.
ReplyDeleteSubroto, good on you for taking Penny's advice. The newer version is truly well done. I loved this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dale, the feedback was very helpful indeed.
DeleteBravo. Sometimes the smallest correction makes all the difference.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo, you are right, a little editing and it made all the difference.
DeleteWhen all logical and philosophical arguments become ineffective, credit card limit seals everything. It is like a trump card.
ReplyDeleteIt showed what the relationship was really about :-) Thanks for your comments Abhijit.
DeleteNot a match made in heaven :)
ReplyDeleteIt ran out of funding :-)
DeleteI like the edit as per Penny's suggestion and as an inveterate eavesdropper, I loved this piece. A subtle study of a relationship about to be chopped in half, like an expired card. Jilly, Sugar on the Bee
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments Jilly, I am glad you liked it.
DeleteWell worked, I enjoyed this
ReplyDeleteThank you Michael
DeleteOops... that's when you know were the attraction lies.. damn the truth.
ReplyDeleteLove is a small plastic card :-) Thanks for your comments Björn.
DeleteObservation is key for writers! Great write.
ReplyDelete2:38 pm
DeleteThanks Lisa, I am glad you liked it.
I liked the edited version. I love how the one suddenly waxes philosophical when the credit card is maxed out.
ReplyDeleteThanks Fatima. Yes a side benefit of credit credit cards maxing out is the birth of instant philosophers :-)
DeleteDear Subroto,
ReplyDeleteGood on you for taking Penny's advice. The second version is tighter. And that last line in both versions says it all. Good job. Made me laugh. No mun no fun.
Shalom,
Rochelle
It was good advice. Thanks for your comments Rochelle I am glad you liked it.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed both versions of your story. Well done ...
ReplyDeleteIsadora ��