Monday, September 09, 2013

Sax, Drums and Violins


It had been a while since my dog Nawab had been sitting in front of the music system, looking at it with his head cocked to one side.

“Are you planning to model for an updated poster of the old His Master's Voice campaign.  I believe the original painting was titled Dog looking at and listening to a Phonograph.  We can work around Dog looking at and listening to a CD Player  or even Dog looking at iPod.

I never knew music could create such havoc,” said Nawab, cocking his head towards the speakers.


Eh? The only havoc out here is when you howl at the moon.   Though strictly speaking I would not categorise that as music.”

“That's because you are a philistine who has absolutely no appreciation of art and culture,” replied the apparently cultured pooch.

“I resent that and totally reject your statement.  Why didn't you just hear me put on those YouTube videos?”

Which was true I had been listening to some very nice music.

“Um, how can I put it, beer ads don't necessarily qualify as music.  Anyway I was talking about the reactions to this music concert that's created such a controversy.”

Concert? What concert was the canine on about?  The last concert I went to involved four men wearing coloured skivvies and singing “hot potato, hot potato”.  And very catchy it was too, had me dancing in the aisles along with the other parents.  Then I remembered.

“Oh that concert.  Doesn't surprise me at all.  Knew that was bound to happen.”

 “Very cynical of you.  Didn't you think music would have bought people together.”

“I don't know Nawab, sometimes it is hard to drum up support for some causes,” I said.

“So you think a music concert can only lead to treble?”

“Well the problem with these concerts is that while you may think they’ll just take a minuet, the reality is that there can be some major setbacks.” 

This was now steadily looking to be one of those arguments where His Master's Voice was going to be ignored.

“What makes you think that a simple concert can make so much trouble that the organisers cannot Handel it?” asked Nawab. 

“You know,” I replied, unable to conceal my glee as I continued,  “it was inevitable because where Zubin goes can Violins be far behind?”

 “Well played sir.  That deserves a tail wag.  But personally speaking I am more into Sax myself.”

Friday, August 30, 2013

Just for a Laugh

I walked into the dining room to find Nawab, my chow-hound, with his snout buried inside the fridge.

“Oye! Dog! Get your face out of the fridge. NOW!” I yelled at him.

“You are such a grouch,” said the canine, "I am beginning to wonder why you don’t laugh much.”

“What do you mean?” I snapped, looking away from the reams of flowcharts that I had bought home from work.

“Well it could just be because of your Indian heritage,” said my mixed-breed talking dog, leaving me slightly confused.  In case you are feeling the same, a quick recap for you.  Nawab is the dog, my friend Ahmed dumped on me before migrating to Canada.  Never told me the dog could talk for obvious reasons.  Actually I have never told my family too because the dog talks only to one member of the family – me!  But I digress from the story.

“What has my Indian heritage got to do with laughing?” said I grinding my teeth (well you would too if stuck with an opinionated hound).

“You only have to read the news to see that India has become even less tolerant of humorous dissent; in other words, it's become that boring solemn person who we all avoid at parties.  Ahmed bhai did say Indians don’t have a sense of humour.  All your rulers are too busy scamming and making money and the rest are so regressive that depression comes easily,” said Nawab chewing on the chicken drumstick he had scrounged, “although I admit it could be worse - you could have been a rice eater.”

“Well you ain’t nuttin but a hound dog - so there.”

“See..see...see what I mean no sense of humour at all.  I mean your politicians are so touchy that you can’t even write or like a Facebook status update criticising a public holiday being declared for any politician’s death because you just might get arrested.”

“But that’s just one incident.  And thank you for not taking names.  Maybe it’s better not to say anything.”

“Sure that works quite well in an alternate universe where it is easier to not say anything and oh while we are keeping quiet can we also burrow our head in the sand?  Plato had said that laughter expresses scorn but really that doesn't mean that people have to worry that their laughter might be misconstrued for mocking.  Pulling down politicians from their self imposed pedestals is good.  Even Aristotle, while agreeing with Plato, had also stated that wit is a valuable part of conversation. ”

“That's not fair.  Our sense of humour is sophisticated, nuanced, and referenced across a vast array of comedy-rich social and cultural cues, much of it universally accessible, much of it unmistakably rooted in the Indian context.”

“Really? I think India has—along with the rest of the world—become even less tolerant, if that’s possible, of humorous dissent; in other words, grown more boringly earnest.  Cowering in a safety-first mode, you are all much less prepared to stand up for the right to joke.  As a result exclusivist, intolerant extremist movements get more floor space and less ridicule than they deserve.  So much more to joke about, and so much less space to do it in.  That monkey model working for you then?”

“Monkey model?  What is that?”

“You know, the three wise monkeys who see no evil, hear no evil and say no evil.  Now it means that if you don’t see anything bad, then you won’t have to say anything bad.  And why does your news have all these image-obsessed politicians who use phrases like ‘tarnish the national image’ without a shadow of irony.”

“You can't expect people to be quiet if you make fun of their heros.  Not everything can be taken in a humorous way you know.”

Nawab scratched an ear with his left hind leg and asked “So what is the desired national image and how do you tarnish it?  If outsiders were to read nothing but your newspapers, and listen to nothing but your public figures, then they would think that there is this conspiracy by outsiders to make India look small in the eyes of the world.  The national image and national pride are constantly reported to be under threat by many things.  Who would have thought scantily clad shop mannequins were such a threat to morals?”

“I think the intent there was just to provide safety to dummies.  See I can make joke too.  Tell me why do you think O wise hound that there is a lack of humour?”

“A joke might not destroy a politician's reputation quite as effectively as a corruption scandal, but it deflates credibility.  And brings the wrath of hired goons.  Have you heard about Immanuel Kant's incongruity theory?”

“I've herd of cows” I replied, “Get it? Herd of cows.”

“Very droll” said Nawab “Kant holds that humour arises from perceived discrepancies between what is expected and what is observed.  All it means is that something absurd must be present in whatever is to raise a hearty convulsive laugh.  But for Schopenhauer, humour arises when we suddenly notice the incongruity between a concept and a perception that are supposed to be of the same thing.  Like the frequently repeated example of a Chihuahua and a St. Bernard categorised under dog.”

“And that's supposed to be funny?  But I get it, so all that you are saying is that a joke is set-up by creating a scenario with an assumed conclusion; but the punchline provides quite a different conclusion, which subverts your previously held assumptions about the joke scenario.  Hmm so something like this fits right in:
How do you make a dog drink?
Put him in a blender.”

“That's disgusting,” said Nawab, “any more cracks like that and you are on your own.”


“So are you ashamed to be taken out for a walk by me now?” I queried.

“Not really, I do come from long line of friendly dogs but...”

“But what? Come on spit it out”

“Well we only go on walks and I really like to run but with you it’s a bit difficult.  You are not as athletic as us dogs!”

“I can write computer code.”

“Now that’s funny. Anyway as Snoop Doggy once said - 'looks, humour and sports.  Three things in which we dogs are ahead'.  In the grand scheme of things, these are the three most important things in life.”

“I am buying a cat,” I said, as I walked away from the dogfight.


Friday, May 03, 2013

The Tall Tail

 I have a story published on the Narrator Australia site.  Narrator Australia is a showcase of creative writing for new, emerging and established writers across Australia.

Here is a link to the story The Tall Tail

Monday, April 08, 2013

A Thinking Dog's Man

I was working in my study when the rumbling in my tummy convinced me that it was time to take a break from work. So I pushed my chair back, got up and started walking towards the kitchen. And promptly tripped over my sleeping dog, Nawab.

"Ow! Watch it clumsy" said the lethargic canine opening a sleepy eyelid.

"Wouldn't happen if you kept sleeping under people's feet all day" was my quick retort as I made my way towards the fridge. But Nawab was up now as he followed me to the kitchen and the sat down and cocked his head to the side.

"What are we eating now?"

Great! Most people's dogs follow them but mine has to carry on a conversation too. Though at times, just because my canine companion speaks to me, sometimes I forget that he is not human. Is Anthropomorphism a Sin?

"Umm I am having a snack, you'll be lucky if you even get a few crumbs this time. Don't you look at me like that." It's one thing to suggest that a talking dog is simply hairy little human because no hairy human can convey the hurt look a dog can give, especially when denied a snack. Big googly eyes that load you with guilt, suddenly you feel like an overweight Sumo wrestler snacking in front of a starving child.

"Damn you! There you can have just one little piece then. OK, one more but nothing after that." Was I treating this dog as if he was a four-footed person in a fur coats? I'd been delving into articles about research in canine behavior and the consensus was that scientists were frowning upon the use of words like 'personality' or 'intelligence' when it came to describing doggy behavior. Anyone caught doing that was not a rational scientist but most likely a woolly headed human who was busy tickling the subject's ears and going "oosa tickly-pickly boy now, kitchie, kitchie, kitchie....". Now that would be a career limiting move in the world of canine psychology.

"You know," I told Nawab, "I was reading canine researcher Stanley Coren, PhD, of the University of British Columbia. He has reviewed numerous studies to conclude that dogs have the ability to solve complex problems and are more like humans and other higher primates than previously thought. He says, and I quote from his interview now, 'We all want insight into how our furry companions think, and we want to understand the silly, quirky and apparently irrational behaviors [that] Lassie or Rover demonstrate. Their stunning flashes of brilliance and creativity are reminders that they may not be Einsteins but are sure closer to humans than we thought.' And while I think you may rank higher, but as per Dr Cohen, according to several behavioral measures dogs' mental abilities are close to a human child age 2 to 2.5 years."

"You've lost me" said Nawab, "What are you trying to get at?"

"Well I think if behaviors and abilities of dogs are apt to be similar to that of a 2 ½ year old human, then I forgive you your constant hankering for food and your addiction to reality TV shows," said I grinning at him.

"Did you know that Spinoza holds that God has neither intelligence nor will; yet he attributes thought to him, and speaks of the infinite intelligence of God. But it is obvious that these two assertions contradict each other flatly. However it must be said that according to Jewish and Catholic theology God has not discursive understanding, which needs reasoning and analysis in order to arrive at its ends; they attribute to him intuitive understanding. So Spinoza's God is not the 'author of nature,' but nature itself. Now there is indeed reason in nature, but it is unconscious. The spider weaves its web without the slightest notion of geometry; the animal organism develops without having the faintest conception of physiology and anatomy. Nature thinks without thinking that it thinks; its thought is unconscious, an instinct, a wonderful foresight which is superior to intelligence, but not intelligence proper. By distinguishing between cogitatio and intellectus, Spinoza foreshadows the Leibnizian distinction between perception and apperception, or conscious perception."

I stood still with my mouth wide open as Nawab edged closer to me.

"So to sum it all up, similarly I see no connection between a hankering for food and an addiction to reality TV", continued Nawab, as he took the snack from my hand and sat down to eat.